Apna desi Jason Bourne

Yep, that's right. Our Colonel Menon is no less than the silent, street smart and lone operative created by Robert Ludlum.

I have been repeatedly impressed by Indian fiction of late. Shashi Warrier: with his book- 'The Orphan Diaries' (formerly know as 'the Orphan') creates a superb fugitive on the loose adventure. You have got military precision, the political games and emotions that drive people. The title of the book is revealed only at the end.

Warrier has truly created a hero you'll start to respect: the 39 year old- about to retire- Colonel Menon. He is not without problems though: his inability to connect with the political figures, times when he's possessed by emotions and his never ending injuries. Again- all this makes him more real.

Highly recommended read. Rating 8/10...

What not to do at Diwali..

However realistic and rational you may be, no matter how much one may laugh off the emotions during festivals; it is impossible to not fall prey to the festive spirit. I might be considered a toned down version of the 'humbug' muttering, Christmas hating Scrooge. As Diwali approached, I could not help feeling disgusted about the way people splurge money and the retailers create and capitilize the 'feel good' attitude to drive their sales figures. Moreover, mummy’s orders meant that I had to fly to my home at an inflated fare thanks to the festive season. Blasphemy!

Reaching home, life settled into the expected routine. Got very little time to talk to my parents initially thanks to the inflow of well wishers and my parents visiting friends and family as well. I grumbled when I was asked to accompany. But with time, I enjoyed this and was soon looking forward to more visits.

Friday night we had a cards game scheduled at our place. I was responsible for entertaining the younger generation. Since the brain I possess works in line of chaos, I purchased immense firepower for the evening.

The proceedings of the evening were spectacular and in a way many were inspired to continue the trend the next day. Our gang was there- Ayush, Ritesh, Rachita, Vaibhav bhaiya and me. @Akshat, Richa, Piyush- missed you guys terribly..

It's time to spread the word.. And the word is: CHAOS..

So here's on what NOT to do at Diwali:

1. Tying 2 hydro bombs (no not the fission one; the local ones with fashionable name) and placing them in a closed box:

The results we experienced were quite majestic. The box blew off and landed 10 seconds later. We repeated this until it finally flew into our neighbor's house. Fearing that this might have caused some damage to their vehicle, we never attempted to ring the bell to retrieve it.

We graduated to tying three of such bombs together. The scary part was when we heard two blasts and the search for the third began. Seconds later, it was found at the ramp where we were standing. The blast from the previous two must have thrown it here. Fortunately, we ran just before it exploded. Ayush didn't have to though, he's the guy who's already a kilometre away after lighting something.

2. Trying stuff with rockets:

The bunch of us consider lighting rockets a waste if they are aimed upwards. Credit goes to Richa for enlightening us some years back. Ritesh played the daredevil here along with Mukesh.

2.1

A hydro foil bomb was tied to the rocket. The Hunter (a doodley sparkler) was responsible for the ignition system.

It was exciting to see the rocket take off in one direction and turn thanks to the explosion.

2.2

Next we tied a ladi aka chatai- a mat made of small bombs tied together. This time, it was more treacherous.

The rocket took off and bent thanks to the weight. The ongoing blasts kept wavering the rocket until it decided to come down with the chatai still crackling to a bush. A small fire came into being in the dry bush but was doused immediately thanks to the bucket of water we had.

2.3

We tied two rockets together. Aligned them so that the two face different directions. Watched the rockets fight mid air- each one trying to tug the other in its direction.

2.4

Finally, we headed to the park with our left over rockets. Out here, we tested and understood all concepts of a missile system. Miraculously, one of these featured a homing device. It took a u-turn mid way to head towards Ritesh. Though Ritesh did take a minor hit, hats off to his courage. Nothing stopped him to let the chaos reign.

3. Lighting up chakkars on stretched arms with sparkler ends

There is a chance that you discover holes in your sleeves the next day.

4. Havan

This is our finale: where we burn the leftovers in the ‘havan’ fire. The fun part is when you go to drop a handful of crackers: you have to analyze and judge if any of the previous feed will burst as you approach.

Wish you all a very happy and prosperous Diwali!!

Note:

The author will not entertain any words of criticism from the environment friendlies as the author firmly believes his contributions to protect the climate and reduce his carbon footprint make up for a lot. The author saves fuel and energy whenever he can thanks to his miserly nature. He is also a firm believer of upholding Diwali tradition. Lights, crackers n joy included.

Malaysia: the nation

I was still high on the smoking rubber, monstrous sounds of the F1 engines I had greeted the last evening. Now we were heading towards Johr Bahru: the border town in Malaysia. It took us almost 30 minutes to clear the immigration.

The GPS took us through the city and we blinded followed. However, this is not what I'll regret. I got to see the Johr city. The cities in Malaysia are a unique blend of classic and modern characteristics. There's a majestic town hall, city centres to take care of the classic part. Parallely, the cities are powered by a grand infrastructure. The highways, city roads, superstructures: you've got 'em all. We spotted an Indian restaurant just outside Johr and stopped here. Surprisingly, the only thing they had for vegetarians here was a meal with the main star as ghee rice. Nevertheless, after the meal we were singing about this.

We continued on the Kuala Lumpur highway and made a stop to switch the wheel. Mama offered me to drive. I was ecstasic! On a highway in Malaysia with the might of the Nissan Sunny. My excitement soon wore off as I neared boredom in a while.

2 reasons:

First, the highway was too good. I could have slept on the wheel and we would have reached our destination in the same time safely. I mean, at least give the driver a chance! At places, even the slight turns were banked in such a manner that you'll hardly need to turn the wheel.

Second, the Sunny: mighty as it may be was still automatic transmission. So while overtaking (one of the few tasks demanding the driver's brain here), I miss the sequence: Clutch, shift, release, accelerate. All this was compressed to a single step: press the accelerator.

However driving is a pain thanks to all the rules and regulated humans here. If you change your lane without announcing to the world you’ll create havoc. Rear view check, indicator, steer, indicator off. The driving method we're used to is: every man for himself; expect the worst from everyone. The game is fundamentally different here where every other driver depends on you and that thou shall never break the regulations or deviate from the text book rules. That thou shall not change lanes, thou shall stop from 100kmph just to let one pedestrian cross, thou shall not be reckless. Quite a challenging proposition for the Indian drivers.

The beauty of the countryside is just unbelievable. One of the big advantages the nation has is its population. The population density figures are absymally low. Credit also goes for the people and the government for conserving their resources and vegetation. I have seen endless green lands in some of the remote places I've been to in India. But out here, the sheer size and density of vegetation creates a different effect. Not a spot of brown or even a shade deviating from lush green was found in the 100Kms we covered. There are also several 'Rehats' spaced at appropriate distances on the highways. Imagine a structure with a well planned mall, fuel station and a food court every 50 Kms you travel! We reached the Melaca district in 2 hours (A few sign boards declared that we had; the scenery was still the same). After exiting the highway, a complicated set of roads took us to A'FaMosa resort. The resort is visible from a distance thanks to its size.

We checked into the 'room'. To my surprise, what they called a room was a fully furnished retreat with 2 rooms, a drawing-dining, a kitchen and picturesque balconies.

As the sun went down, we headed for the 'cowboy town'.

There was a 4-D movie. We managed to catch 'Horror stories in the office'. We then headed for the 'Red Indian' show. The performers were spectacular. Lots of fire breathing, a small play involving the audience.

This was followed by the carnival. This is something that is very very hard to put in words. The number of things that happened in the next 40 minutes is too much. The camera ran out of battery, my fingers might faint with exhaustion if I start writing. The highlights were the animals, Malay ladies in lovely attires, vehicles, planes, birds and everything else you can think of. The firecracker show was the grand finale.

But more than that what touched me was seeing the Malaysia flag at the event. Agreed, carrying a flag is not a decree of being patriotic. But talking to people, you generally get the idea that the people love their country. More than that, they are nice to you and tell you how tourism is important for their country and eventually for the people. Thinking from your country's perspective and then about yourself- that's something that needs a lot of deep thought.

Since we were assured that we won't get anything vegetarian here at this middle of nowhere resort, we headed for the Melaca town in search for food. The drive was somewhat scary since I'm so used to seeing traffic or people or some fool while driving. Out here, we were just a car, 2 headlamps and zillion trees around us lit by the moon in a spooky manner. We found a Pizza hut in this tiny town called Melaca and gorged all that was veg on the menu.

The next day, we had breakfast in one of the restaurants of Cowboy town and headed for animal world. Now the size of the resort found its true identity. It took us almost 15 minutes of driving at decent speeds within the resort to reach the place. We came across lovely lakes, golf courses (yes, there's more than 1), paintball, paragliding and other adventure sports area.

At animal world, we attended the elephant show, the animal show and the bird show. I do not very much enjoy this but they put up a great show. Though I am very much against such kind of training for animals but I have to admire the platform the people and animals get.. I can't help comparing the state in my country. I've read of the condition of the bhallu dance, bandar dance wallahs once this kind of stuff was banned. Of course, animals belong in the jungle but what if they can't be protected the outlaws or poachers? Here we have the second best option that comes into picture. The animals are protected and the people make a living. And yes, art or skill gets a stage, where it can be appreciated by the world.

We then went for the safari. They put us in a caged van and took us to the animals' habitat. The lions were shouting to their cubs- ‘who dekho aadmi, who dekho aadmi ka cub’. There were giraffes, tigers, bears, leapords but the cute girl sitting in front of me was interested in antics of some other creature. ME.

Lastly was the monkey island. We took a boat to this place and came across a humorous board.

Among other creatures, I noticed one peculiar kind. These monkeys are the most disciplined creatures I've ever seen. They were eating in a proper manner. Never did they attempt any mischief, just accepted food in an orderly fashion from us.

In the evening, we headed back for Singapore. I saw families driving cheerfully around in their tiny Perodua's and Protons. I recalled Proton motors as the company which recently bought the prestigious British Lotus cars. The Malaysian government is the majority stakeholder in Proton. Even I'm proud of the PSU's of my nation: DRDO, ISRO, BHEL, Coal India. But looking here, I see there could have been more. The government here had the hindsight to create highly competitive (export oriented as well) companies to create wealth and providing employment. This backed by rapid infrastructure development brought in investors as well. The result is right in front of us: A country that gained independence 10 years later than us, had a lot more to worry than what we had at the same time grew rapidly to be an industrial superpower.

Everybody has a car here, I mean everybody. Be it a nurse, shopkeeper, janitor. Difficulty in finding people to attend to at gas stations and restaurants led to the so called 'brainy' Indians to take up these jobs. The local people are happy working for their nation. Come on, you can't say you've never heard of PETRONAS (does Sauber- Petronas F1 team ring a bell) and I can assure you that you'll hear of Proton soon. Also, the efforts of leadership have finally paid off with investors lining up creating more jobs.

I could not help contemplating: While the Gandhi family was busy convincing people that infrastructure is meant for rich 'seths' and their motor cars, implementing schemes based on populist measures to take care of immediate problems and votes. Not far away, Mahathir Mohammed was working to give people what they deserved: a better future. I can't help saluting to this man who truly describes the power of human nature. One man can build a nation!!

Worshipping the ultimate Automobile..F1 @ Singapore

Come Friday. After admiring the 4 passes for the 20th time, the grin on my face widened as I realized that it was time to leave for the big event. Though the practice was to start at 6, I had pestered Mami and Shreya to start early so I could worship the race track. We parked the car at a mall and took the MRT to the city centre- Raffle's place.

It was a peculiar feeling- strolling on the otherwise busy roads packed with Mercs and Bentleys ferrying the bankers, executives to and fro the central business district. The race season meant that the CBD roads were either gobbled up by the race circuit or open to the general public minus vehicles. So it was either race cars or none at all.

As we neared the entrance, I heard the sound of engines! I literally ran as I inferred that the Formula-BMW qualifying had started. The security guys frisked my bag and stated that we weren't allowed to carry cans inside. I could dispose them off at the bin over there.

Dispose them??!! Didn't those silly people realize that I'm an Indian??

I ran out and finished off two cans of the flavored milk. We rushed again to the circuit to catch the junior champs whirring their BMW engines. The Formula BMW is based on cars somewhat similar to Formula 3 and the winner gets a place as a test or reserve driver in Formula 1 the next year. The boys are a fun to watch coz at times, you can catch certain level of immaturity- late braking, near misses and lots of wheel locking. Mami commented on how noisy the cars were and I started blabbering on the kind of pressure the engine is in at 18000RPM and the job here is to extract as much power as you can from that engine rather than focusing on noise reduction. Shreya skillfully stopped my car talk bombardment. Yes, a tough task to stop a fellow whose aim in life is to educate people about the greatness of the automobile.

After the qualifying was over, the track marshals made a round in the stunning BMW X-6. Is it an SUV? A sedan? BMW doesn't have the answer and calls it a 'cross-over'. But the real star was the AMG Mercedes safety car that came out later. The distinct angry howl of the motor is difficult to forget.

We then walked down the perimeter of the Zone 4. I was awed by what I saw. Had I been alone, I am sure I would have bent down and kissed the ground. Not to embarrass my family, my happiness was limited to my mind and my smile. We caught Vijay Mallya speaking on how Fisichella's exit won't be a problem for Force India and Sutil could carry on as the lead driver pretty well.

Just before the start, we took places at the straight. The track was just around 3 metres away from us separated by a metal mesh.

A few minutes past 6, we heard the roar of a monster. A monster: eager, ready and with power beyond imagination. As the roar neared, I kept my eyes trained at the corner. Soon enough a shining purple dot was seen coming out of the corner and heading straight towards us. The roar was growing to a thunder. In time best described in millisecond units, the purple Red Bull RB5 thundered past us. When it flew past us, everyone was looking at everyone else in a shock. I remember the mystic look on Mami's face. The unspoken words between us were something like: 'And we thought the formula BMW cars were loud'!! Though the passes clearly stated that having ear plugs is a must in this zone, we never bothered. Other people around us were struck by similar revelations. As the second Red bull whizzed past and the Renault was coming in, people were already retrieving their ear plugs or heading to the counter selling the same. Mami took out her heaphones to abate the thundering monsters.

They say nothing can capture the majestic thunder of F1 engines. Agreed. But more than that, nothing can come even close to being with the cars in a circuit. I remembered a couple of friends laughing off at the prospect of me missing the race: no overtaking, no winner and so on. But beat this. I am on the circuit, close to the racers and the cars than I can ever be. The smell of the burning rubber, the faint odor of fuel and the wind created by man made phenomenon!! The heat, sparks, the flames from the exhaust at gear shifts. The Singapore 2009 tagline says it all- 'NOTHING ELSE COMES CLOSE'.

Mama joined us in a while. His office is a couple of blocks away and he walked down. At about the same time, Luizzi came out in the Force India car. No matter how much I hate Mallya and Luizzi, I have to thank them. I am no patriotic zealot but my chest swelled with pride as I saw the tricolor on the Force India car.

By this time, one Ferrari and both the Williams had also come out. Night had also arrived. Being the only night circuit in the world, this does add a lot of thrill and glamour. Alonso had commented before the practice that all drivers had complained of headaches as well as bruises on their feet after the Singapore GP last year. We headed to the corner where the Singapore river meets the Marina bay. Chance to roam around the track beats all awesomeness! At the corner, its a different story. While on the straights I was amazed by the phenomenal acceleration, here the braking took me. One can actually see the brake disks turning orange as the metal heats up to red. Soon enough, the Renault did something similar to last year and Grosjean upheld the tradition by spinning out at the same place. The smoking tires were quite entertaining if you have a knack for automotive humor. Another McLaren caught my eye. The golden visor helmet in it had to belong to Hamilton. Even at a distance, there is no mistaking that the McLaren is being driven by Lewis Hamilton. The car was pretty low and we saw a couple of sparks as it negotiated curves on minor invisible bumps. At one instance, Hamilton even drifted at the Esplanade turn. Speed must have definitely been 140-180 at that time.

As the first session of practice ended, we had food and roamed around to soak in more of the F1 festivities. The Esplanade upheld its grandeur for this event and a F1 village had also been set up.

Before I knew it, the 1st practice session was over. We had to wait until 9:30 for the second session to start. But, the circuit would be used for the practice session of the Porsche Carrera championship. Most people found the Carreras slow after having seen the Formula 1 cars in action, it was still fun to watch as again, I got to see a lot more skids, screeches and drifting.

For the second session, we headed for the longer straight. As Kovalinnen drove through, I figured the reason why we can't have F-1 in India. Singapore is a very clean city and I remember being astonished on not finding dust on my clothes after a day long excursion on my first visit. However, the drivers complained of dust last year at Singapore. This year, I saw it with my own eyes! As the cars crossed the 250 kmph mark, we could see the dust being streamlined from the frond wings upto the rear! U had to look hard to find this live lesson of aerodynamics at display.

As we headed home in our more sane Nissan Sunny, images still flashed in my head. That I had witnessed the greatest engineering marvels in action, the ultimate machines on one of the most glamorous tracks of the world! It seemed that life had a meaning now, a dream fulfilled, memories to cherish. The dark skies, sparkling circuit and the machines! They say you feel like that when you bask in glory, when you are in love; but here it was just a man and his respect for the automobile.